Setting Myself Free

In their song Fade to Black, Metallica wrote "Need the end to set me free".

Although I have felt like ending it all at times recently, it can apply in other circumstances too. I need the end of the hell I have endured courtesy of working for HMG in order to set myself free and be able to move on and live again.

Working for the civil service has been a nightmare. I am a creative person and the hellish job I have endured for the last 4 years has had no end product and needs no creative input whatsoever.

I am emotional. To be a good civil servant you need to put aside your emotions. The problem I had whilst working there was that the emotional side of me is an integral part of my whole being. I have always been passionate and long may I continue to be so. I can't just put my emotions on a coathook when I go into work and then get on with the monotonous shit that is in front of me. I need to be a person not a robot! To be expected to act dispassionately when dealing with people is against everything I am. I need to be free to be myself - and at that shithole I wasn't.

I am free-spirited. The civil service is not a job for free-spirits. You are expected to leave your spirit behind and be a robot. I'm sorry - I cannot be a robot.

I am a rebel. I have always been a rebel. How the hell could I ever be a civil servant working for the government when I am a revolutionary socialist dedicated to the overthrow of the capitalist government and all their evil works?

Why did I go there in the first place? The answer is simple. I was forced to take the job or be left without any income by the very government which then employed someone who will do everything she can to bring about it's very downfall. How strange!

So, getting back to the main point of this post, which is setting myself free, I am relieved this period of hell is coming to an end. I need to be myself again. I need to be able to think for myself and not have a choke-chain on my thoughts and emotions. I look forward to being able to spend the next couple of years concentrating on my studies in which I can express myself and to then, hopefully, be able to work in a situation where I can use my passion.

Freedom is just around the corner.

In the meantime I need to bite my tongue for just a few more weeks.